I have to make a decision by Saturday whether I am going to school in the fall or not. Classes start Monday and I'm in no way prepared or excited to do the school thing. I was waiting all summer for the two scholarships I applied for to come through. If they did, then I was going - kicking and screaming - but I was going. I didn't have a plan if I didn't get the scholarships. I didn't think it would take this long; thought I'd have time to make a decision in the event I did not get the scholarships. Here I am, four days before I am to start classes, I didn't get any scholarship awarded to me, and I have no plan. It's pretty awesome. If I decide to not go this fall, the earliest I could be a teacher, as opposed to 2007, is 2008. So I'd get pushed back a year - math is cool - which isn't the end of the world. And if it was, it wouldn't matter anyway.

I almost wish I didn't have a degree. I'm not using it. I don't know how I ever will use it. I'm certainly not using it now. My point is, I more-or-less regret going to school so soon. I really should have gone against my parents wishes and waited. I could have gone to school when I was ready; majored in something that was worthwhile - both to me personally and financially. But instead I went straight out of high school. The only subject I could bear was Philosophy. Now, its the opposite. The thought of tackling Kant's Critique of Pure Reason or deciphering Wittgenstein's Blue or Brown books makes me depressed and suicidal. So what do I do now? That's where I've been for the past two, going on three +, years. Teaching is all I can come up with. But its the least undesirable choice and that's not the same as a desirable choice. And I can't afford any more debt. If I go this fall I will have an incredibly hard time finding motivation and focus. If I end up not becoming a teacher, it will all have been for shit. And I will be left with the ever increasing gulf between my debt and income. Things are awesome. Like I never say, 'Life's a die and then you bitch.' harharhar