a divers live

I feel obliged to offer an apology for my last post. It seems I got a little carried away in my attempt to cultivate my new literary movement, known as 'dumb'. Others have already picked up on this movement, declaring "Did you read Jason's blog? It's really dumb." And I'm just so glad.

Today I work at 1 and have the morning to do as I please. So I called my mom and asked her what I should do. She told me to do as I like. Normally mothers know best too. Not in this case. I searched on-line for things to do when you have the morning off. Here's whatI found:

When you have the morning off take some time to check your clothes for stains or tears. A clean appearance is the quickest means to a happy life. The esteems of others (sic), though it is to be taken with a few grains of salt, is the most honest and natural raison d'etre. Check your shoes for cracks and excessive creasing. Be sure the coloring is even. Leaving a little early in order to obtain a shoe shine is a great idea! Never for-get (sic) to test your shoe horn for dexterity. The waistband on your briefs should have a taut but giving elasticity. Check your various grooming products for expiration dates. Anything with an SPF has an expiry. On your day off, you should live up to the old maxim, set down by Lorenzo the Magnificent in the late 15th century, "Always to check, always to ensure and always to offer the most awe-ful and divers live (sic)"

That seemed all well and good, but instead I'm going to exercise a bit and get some food. Good day!

O Lord!

First of all let me tell you, I mean I know you are up in arms about this, so allow me to say just this one important thing: I am not allergic to any food. Well fuck you allergist. What. Do You know. Anyway. He told me to try eating a lot of wheat grass mixed with a little baby soft. I said, "Stop it Doc your scaring me!" And I laughed and he tickled me and I laughed some more. That funny asshole. He's all up in arms about tickling me now. Like I'm his tickle person! I mean, who is anyone's tickle person? Especially these days.

That was Monday. I told him, "Doc, can I call upon you to be Doc. Yes? I am so much ready for this allergy to quiz me and I will win." All the sudden I couldn't talk English. That's when it hit me that I wasn't allergic to food. I was allergic to allergists. Or rather my lingoneuro-wall, located at the vortex of my brain, was allergic to Doc. Great! I thought. That explains the exorbitant bowel movements, my brain said. Which means that my lingoneuro-wall foresaw the moment when I would go to Doc and it was up in arms. Which then means, and now I'm vehement, my lingoneuro-wall, which must be affiliated with my little stomach, is omniscient. O, what do you portend today my lord? I asked my stomach which is affiliated (using the bi-conditional) with me lingoneuro- wall, which is something I made up.

O , little stummy, what is your heart for this day?!

holas neekos

The Slaughtering of My Wheat Jeep by Chetty C

I decided to start a food diary. Which means I can justify buying a new little notebook. That is really the only reason I'm doing it. Before I started to exercise I first bought the shorts and a shirt. What I'm saying is a new phase in life is always kicked off by a purchase. And I think I'm 100% right on this and that's just it.

To prove my point I decided to interview the nation's top execs. And so I was off to prove my point, right? Well, it wasn't that easy. I was halfway across Indiana when I realized I had not bought anything for this new phase and so had proved myself wrong. Thus I drove home, but first bought a cool slice, which is only available in Indiana.

On a serious note, I may be allergic or have an intolerance to wheat. Thus my life is about to get thrown in the shit. I'll start the food diary and do some days without wheat, not today though because I already had Honey Nut O's and a Flax waffle. I bought rice bread yesterday, but really do not want to eat it because its very unappealing. It's hard, crumbly and has to be refrigerated, all of which is a serious problem. And I love bread! Woh is me mon freres!

I have the morning free. I hope to get my Jeep back to the Chiarizios and then burn it and myself in a protest against Chet, Emily's Grandfather (and by default you can assume Chet is also the Grandfather of Joel and his kid sis Beth). "That Jeep...is...worth a...million bucks I...would pay...all of it if...I had it," said Chet.

I finished Slaughterhouse by Gail Eisnitz. I've already read Slaughterhouse Five I just need to read two, three, and four now. Ha! I just busted a gut. But seriously, Slaughterhouse is a must read. It will change your heart you baby!

Next up on my reading list, (one [or more{because you never know}] of the following):

The Crow Road by Iain Banks

The Fortress of Solitude by Jonathan Lethem

A Model World by Michael Chabon

The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fistfight in Heaven by Sherman Alexie

Freakonomics by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner

Ninjas, Piranhas, and Galileo by Greg Leitich Smith

Tofu and T. Rex by ibid.

It's a great blog. The End.