you will come down soon too
you will come down
too soon

This girl needs to get home.

I've dug myself into a hole and realized one of the reasons a couple of days ago. Well, it's pretty much the (as in thee) reason. That reason being, I am pretty shut off.

But let me tell you about something else: akrasia. That's a Greek term for acting against ones better judgment. And it's supposed to be some big philosophical dilemma. How could anyone sincerely decide/desire to do something and act against it? Wouldn't they have simply changed their minds and acted in accordance with this new desire? For me, akrasia isn't a dilemma. What if someone knows they need to act against their better judgment but cannot. That's my dilemma. What if your better judgment is wrong, but it's all you know? And what is it that is telling me my better judgment is wrong? Who is this metajudge? How would I even know?

And another thing.

After laying sick in bed all day yesterday I guess I am ready to go back to work. I feel a little better but may leave early.

Yesterday I watched Life Aquatic and the supplementary stuff. I also watched the supplementary stuff for Royal Tenenbaums, and I watched most of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. I ate a few oatmeal cookies and a bowl of soup with toast.

Today I was again wrongly discriminated against. I don't know why you people think this but I am not Gay. Nor am I Jewish. I don't think that I am mean, but you do. Standoffish, unfriendly, Gay, Jewish. My last name has the word Rose in it, so you think I am Jewish. Where did that come from?

Worst day I can think of. Thank you today. And thank you people. But I talked with three little ladies and that wasn't so bad. I wanted them to carry me around, but they thought I was joking.

And I played music with some guys, and it was a lot of fun and really tight. Thank you fellas.

Oy vey, why do you think I'm gay?

What is the deal with guys looking up to me and girls not noticing me? I'm married so it doesn't matter. But it's comforting to know or feel that I am still attractive to the opposite sex, that it's not just a certain person, i.e. a certain type of guy, who is attracted to me. What the hell is going on? No comments. No touching. I'm making this funny but it's not. Not to me. At all. Fuck everyone. If anyone ever smiles again I'm gonna freak out.

I'm sitting on the toilet with the window open, as it usually is, and a squirrel walks onto the oustide ledge. Of course, I scream like a man. The squirrel vanishes and in seconds is back on the ledge. I scream again. I close the window, just in case that squirrel can get in - with it's black lifeless eyes - and get on the computer. Another squirrel, actually it was probably the same one, sneaks on the window ledge by the computer and starts licking and scratching itself. Stop squirrels. Please.

awkward memory:

Writing Emily's friend Maryka a postcard about depression while they were living in Oakland. It included bible verses, one of which was from choronicles and so was a reference to a family name. So I was trying to be funny, I guess. I called to speak to Emily about the time Maryka would have already received the post card and Maryka answered. I asked if she got it. She said yes, thank you. And I said are you still dealing with depression? She said she was, that it was something she deals with. And I said, "Because I was worried you'd be fine by the time you got the postcard and then it would have been pointless."

Please shoot me.

Thank god for ac. Two nights ago our power was out. So Em and I slept on our sun porch. It was a lovely way to sleep. But I do think that last night was even lovelier, the air cooling our sleepy lids. I want to put an air conditioner in the living room as well, but Em won't have it. I think that the electric bill is for chumps but she doesn't mind. Being a chump that is. Air Conditioning Slater doesn't want to be a chump. He's dimpled and ready to cool you off. His shirts are cool and his hair is chill. He'll blow you all night. Even while you sleep.

In case you're keeping up with what I have been reading I gave up on both Lolita and The Unbearable Lightness of Being. Here's why. After Humbert slept with Lolita, which I knew was going to happen but didn't want to happen, I sort of didn't care about anything else. Mainly because there was nothing Nabokov gave me to care about. They were just driving around America, going from hotel to hotel. But I kept reading and at about 20 pages away from being done I put the book down, as I had many times before, and said to myself - that's it. I am a very committed guy, honestly. I have always stuck things out. If I am halfway done with a book I have always kept reading to the end. I have never before read 300 out 320 pages and quit. Sorry Nabakov, try harder next time.

The deal with Kundera's Lightness was the over explanation. It really got to me. The narrator condescended to tell me what past events meant not once but two or three times, just in case I forgot. I mean, it is true that once you read a page you cannot flip back to re-read. That's why book's precede the internet in terms of BULLSHIT.

Anyway, I did get into Harry Crews' Naked in Garden Hills. I just started it Thursday and I've finished it. Crews is one of the writers that Larry Brown was into. I like Crews' novel writing better than Brown's. But Brown's short stories are perfect.

That all being said, I am going to go to Ikea with Em to celebrate the posting of this post when I posted it.

Josh's cell: Dude it's been almost a year i thought we was niggas u know im sorry i changed ways why do u still forsake me i miss our times broseph (Sent 2:02:58am 07/06/2006)

My reply: It has been awhile bra and im not usually one for holding a grudge so maybe we should get together soon let sleeping dogs etc (Sent 11:09:48am 07/06/2006)

Josh: What u doin homie (Sent 9:29:24pm 07/12/2006)

me: I stayed in last night sir and usually do but maybe friday night? (Sent 11:05:03am 07/13/2006)

Josh: Oil that is black gold/texas tea (Sent 11:14:12am 07/13/2006)

me:

Josh: How do you feel about that big ol black buck moving in up there (Sent 11:44:31am 07/14/2006)

me: You wanna talk some jive? (Sent:12:14:52pm 07/14/2006)

I felt like crap yesterday, and Em didn't feel so hot either, so we laid around. I don't feel so great today either. We watched The Family Stone which I thought was good. Megan was saying how unrealistic it is and how she hated it. Two things about that: Realism is based on reality, right? Name one family you know with a gay deaf kid who is married to a black guy. I can't say it's unrealistic because I'm sure the family exists, I just don't know them is all. So to say its unrealistic, you're either saying no family exists like that, which is clearly false, or you are saying based on what I have seen of families like this one, I think their portrayal is unrealistic. Which is also funny, because its your own sense of reality and based on nothing.

And besides: who cares so much about reality? Everything is so 'I liked it because it was so real' and blah blah blah. Can't there just be a story told for the sake of telling a story? My problem with Realism is that its such a given these days. You gotta make it real. It's just got to be real. But it's not really 'real'. Its just what we are comfortable with and what we accept as real.

I have to go to work now. And since I'm not sure if any of this makes sense, I'm going to pull a Beth and not allow comments. By the way, Beth you should allow comments again, because they are fun.

dopes

A man who loses his privacy loses everything, Sabina thought. And a man who gives it up of his own free will is a monster...[but] For Franz, living in the truth meant breaking down the barriers between the private and the public.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being

I never liked the name Franz but I agree with him. And at the same time, eventhough it is a work of fiction, Sabina's comment almost prevented me from posting my last one. Disclosing personal information is a tough one. I tend to do it so freely but then there's nothing left of me. I still have my secrets.

Today I go to the Swissvale CVS to get trained. 9-5 and then I'd like to do something. Maybe go ride a bike or smoke some dope. Who knows. Anyone want to smoke some dopes with me?

200th Post

I decided for my 200th post to list 200 memories. So I wrote them in my journal, in no order, and then transferred them here. I then organized them according to location because I found that memories are linked to places I lived, even if the memory had nothing to do with my house or town. There are so many more I could list.

116 Crest Dr. White Oak

My first house which I lived in until I was 6. Typical middle class suburban home. We had to move because my Dad lost his job. He was a coal miner back then.

1. Stealing money from a flowery brown box on my Mom's dresser in order to buy a Chinese star from a kid in the neighborhood.
2. My one and only attempt at throwing a Chinese star at a basketball in my backyard.
3. Losing my one and only Chinese star in my backyard.
4. My dad throwing me above his head and catching me.
5. Watching my dad ride his motorcycle on the undeveloped land behind our house.
6. My Dad throwing my Menudo guitar to the bottom of the steps, where it broke.
7. Being scared of my Dad for breaking my favorite childhood toy.
8. Laying with my mom on our couch and watching endless movies (Star Wars, I'm told).
9. Walking with my mom at dusk through our suburban neighborhood.
10. Sitting in our first car (a grey Cougar), jammed in with the last of our possessions, as my Mom ran back inside for one last look.
11. I remember wondering how what we would do if we had a cat with us. Would we put milk in a dish on the floor? We never had cats so it was very weird that I wondered about that.
12. Driving away from my first home.

208/204 South Ave, Wilkinsburg

My maternal, late Grandparents owned the condominiums where I divided up my childhood. Kindergarten through 3rd grade and 7th through half of 9th. My Dad worked as the maintenance man for all of my Grandparents apartments and went to electrical school. My mom went to school for Real Estate to follow in the footsteps of her Dad.

13. Training wheels and learning to ride my bike.
14. Not wanting to come in and sing Happy Birthday to my Mom.
15. My Mom coming out to ask me to come in and sing for her Birthday.
16. My friend Aaron telling me to go in and sing to my Mom.
17. Georgie almost getting hit by a car on South Ave.
18. The sound of the brakes as the car stopped a foot away from his bike.
19. The driver getting out and making a comment about anti-lock brakes and thank god.
20. Hiding behind a telephone pole after running across the street in front of cars.
21. Stealing 20 after 20 from my Grandfather's wallet as he lay sleeping before the television.
22. Buying box after box of baseball cards.
23. My brother Bryan stealing 20 dollars from my secret hiding place.
24. Trying to tell my parents what my brother did without telling them how I had that much money to begin with.
25. In their kitchen, telling my Grandfather I was sorry for taking the money.
26. My Grandfather forgiving me.
27. Smoking my Grandma's Salem cigarettes with my cousin Jen in the bathroom.
28. Smoking Lucky Strikes in between office buildings.
29. Buying my first pack of cigarettes from Trenton Pharmacy, a store that no longer exists. It displayed wheelchairs and walkers in the window. Probably why it's no longer in business.
30. Smoking cigarettes on the roof of Trenton Pharmacy.
31. Standing behind Trenton Pharmacy when an anonymous blue van pulled up.
32. Georgie not moving when the doors opened.
33. Me being scared when a blue van pulled up and saving my friend's life when I got him out of there (you never know).
34. Trying to do pull-ups on a dumpster after watching a neighbor throw away his trash.
35. The dumpster falling on top of me.
36. That same neighbor pulling a dumpster off my leg.
37. Having to walk around on crutches for weeks.
38. My friend's Aaron, Georgie, Johnny, and Ray.
39. Aaron and Georgie were brothers. I mostly hung out with Georgie because we were closer in age. Aaron was older.
40. Johnny was Georgie's friend. His mom grew marijuana in their backyard and owned an abundance of small mirrors which adorned many a coffee table in their apartment.
41. Ray lived across the street on the second floor.
42. Ray was a fat kid until one day, after not seeing him for months, he came outside with muscles. wtf?
43. Playing handball in grade school at St. Anselm's.
44. Watching my brother play handball when I was in 1st grade and he was in 8th.
45. Living in the shadow of my brother. Teachers expected me to be "bad" like him.
46. Our grade school gym which was shaped like a "D" on its side.
47. Playing basketball in that gym with no self-esteem and a lot of anxiety.
48. I hated all team sports growing up. I just did it for my family.
49. I remember the complete comfort of playing basketball by myself.
50. Making fun of Mickey O'Brien.
51. My friend Dorian.
52. Dorian came to St A's in 8th grade when the school had changed its name to "Word of God". He started a school club called "The Union".
53. "The Union" had a President, a Vice-President, etc. and our main goal was beating up Mick. But we never really beat him up, we only passed around agendas every homeroom about beating him up. We all had to initial the agenda.
54. My title in The Union was "Jonas" - I was a big Weezer fan.
55. Meeting Shawn in 2nd grade and becoming good friend's with him in 7th.
56. Meeting Vin in 8th grade. I sat behind him in homeroom and cracked stupid jokes about beavers. No euphemism. We thought the animal was hilarious.
57. Walking over Shawn's house almost everyday. When I had a friend I would spend a lot of time with them. Probably too much because Shawn and his Mom started to get a little mad.
58. Everyday during the summer we would sit on his porch for awhile, walk to Braddock Ave Express for Turner's Tea - which sucked because of all the steps - hang out at the park, the park steps, play basketball, watch TV. It was heaven. I think the sun was envious.
59. Shawn's video camera and "The Park Steps", which was a show we made up like "The State". Painfully awkward to watch, I'm sure.
60. We also made a radio show.
61. And made prank phone calls.
62. My everyday friends were Shawn, Matt and his younger brother Kevin, who we liked better, Mickey - even though we did pick on him daily - and his little brother Pat, who had a lisp. Vin came over sometimes too. But not too often because his Mom was still his Mom even back then.
63. Occasionally girls would come around.
64. Girls from school all thought I was funny and that's it. Because I was fat and weird. And girls are shallow. Boys aren't (kidding).
65. Some of those girls were Kara Redinger, who Shawn had a crush on, Ali Abel, who no one knew I had a crush on and who had a big chin (see 66), Tara Miller, who, sadly, no one had a crush on. She was funny like me in that way. And Erin Something, who came around seldomly, and who Vin dated throughout grade school.
66. Jamie Morello, who looked like Lazlo from Real Genius - minus the long hair - (which in turn means he looks like Uncle Rico). Anyway, Jamie made up this hand gesture that started with your hand at your chin and moved out and upward called "The Power Chin". There was a noise too.
67. I had one chance to tell Ali I liked her but couldn't do it. I sat with her in her livingroom drinking root beer as I waited for my Mom to pick me up.
68. I also had a crush on Heidi Veltre like everyone else. I saw her at CVS recently (I still have a crush on her).
69. I wrote something funny in her yearbook and she laughed. I didn't expect her to laugh at my weird joke and it made me smile for days.
70. I was voted funniest in 8th grade. Shawn: best looking. Vin: best singer. (I was also voted most likely to blog).
71. My brother showing me his glass bong. I remember feeling like he was going to die any second because of it, though I didn't know what he possibly could have done with it.
72. He hid the glass bong under his mattress. We had bunkbeds.
73. I had both beds when he left. I was 10. He was 16.
74. He lived with us again for a couple months when I was maybe 11 or 12.
75. Reading The Giving Tree over and over. Sometimes just flipping through and looking.
76. Walking into Ray's apartment to see that Georgie, Aaron and he were watching what I soon learned to be porn.
77. Thanks to Ray, Georgie, and Aaron for teaching me the birds and bees. And that gracious gentleman who came on that humble woman's face. At the time I thought it was pee, at which they laughed.
78. I was younger than all those guys.
79. Going to Donnie's Bar with my Grandfather and drinking Cokes and eating chips.
80. My Grandfather wore a cap, an oldman cap. I had to have one too. We used to go out like that.
81. When my Grandfather was not at the bar or out grocery shopping for stuff they already had he would be in his room with the AC on - no matter what the season it seemed - with his PJ bottoms on and V-neck white T-shirt tucked in. He'd lay there all night and watch movies.
82. I could always stop in his room and watch TV with him. He's roll over and smile at me and roll back over. I'd always sneak away and downstairs when there was a sex scene. He got a kick out of that. I have never been able to sit through a sex scene with family.
83. I liked living next to my Grandparents. Though we were on welfare, some of my fondest memories are from this time on my life (I do have memories of my Dad's parents, but they are still alive, so those memories don't hold the same weight).
84. Going out to eat with my Mom and Grandma. Mostly Kings. I always got the Turkey Club with fries.
85. Our dog Blondie, who once got knocked down by this scary looking dog. My Grandfather yelled so loud and that scary dog ran so fast.
86. The phone call from my Dad about my grandfather dying. I was in the kitchen.
87. I once danced around my kitchen to George Michael. Half because I thought it was funny and half because I liked it.
88. When my parents came home they didn't look at me but I could tell they'd been laughing. I had closed the blinds but not the right way - the were facing down!
89. I never danced to George in my kitchen, or in any room, ever again.
90. Sitting on my steps talking on the phone to Shawn for hours. That was my first long conversation and I think his too. That's probably why we kept it going so long - for the experience.
91. My brother's skateboarder side hair cut.
92. Trying to skateboard with my brother down Peebles Ave at dusk.
93. Bugle boy pants and the cuff. They had paisely around the cuff specifically so you could cuff and show off your love of paisely.
94. Georgie's tree, which I sat in many a day. Mostly after knocking on the door to an empty house.
95. Watching his parent's porn - they had one tape - in his living room. There was one position called "The George Washington". Well, that's what Georgie called it.
96. Accidentally shooting a shot gun out Georgie's back door as we looked up at each other in horror. We were both holding it and it put a hole threw his wooden fence. He told me the safety was on.
97. Sitting in Georgie and Aaron's tree house - a different tree - and eating P,B & J.
98. Georgie said he was running away from home but only made it to his own tree house in his own yard.
99. Aaron and I laughed that he only brought some lousy P, B & J.
100. Georgie and Aaron's basketball hoop.
101. Their Dad (Big George) didn't want any black kids to play on it. I disagreed, inside.
102. Talking to Georgie and Aaron about pacifism, though I didn't call it that.
103. Getting chased on my 15th birthday by three black kids.
104. Being surrounded by a gang of black kids, some were once basketball friends, and getting punched in the face two times.
105. I turned around and walked home as deliberately as I could.
106. Georgie came to my door. He showed me the handheld gun in his pants by lifting his shirt. He and Johnny were going to find the kids, he said.
107. I stayed in and listened to "The Toadies".
108. Eating trout that Georgie's dad caught. It was painstaking to get rid of all those whisker-like bones.
109. Being terrified of Big George because of his size (his name was no pun), racist views, and unpredictable anger.
110. When Georgie's parents split up I went over to Big George's apartment in Regent Square. But his Dad was sitting there at the table naked. I kept pushing stuff off the table onto the ground so I could look at his bulge. It was massive.
111. Favorite movies around this time: Sneakers and Searching for Bobby Fisher.
112. I did a report on Bobby Fisher and Josh Waitzkin in 8th grade.
113. I never got into the game of chess though.
114. I loved Michael Crichton. I once sat in the school office for detention and finished "Sphere".
115. Favorite library: CC Mellor in Edgewood. All I'd have to do is walk back in there and smell the place and it would all come back like a flood.
116. My first time seeing that maroon "Catcher in the Rye".
117. I would always pick the books that were the most mysterious and take a seat with it or them for as long as I could manage.
118. Then I'd reshelve and grab another, and another.
119. The leather couches and how I'd sit in them each in turn on sunny days with the sound of water games or tennis balls on racquets below (CC Mellor is part of the Edgewood country club).
120. I loved that library.
121. I made a comic book with Shawn in 8th grade called Mr Diplip.
122. Shawn drew a character he named "Sidekick Daddio" (Remember the term "Daddio"?)
123. I'm half-glad I threw those comics away. They were pretty obscene.
124. Watching Pete & Pete with Vin and Shawn.
125. Watching Ren & Stimpy.
126. Coming home on Rt 30 my Dad and Brother played this game where you had to guess what color the next traffic light would be. Its my only fond memory of my Dad and Brother interacting.
127. There is this picture of my Dad holding us on his arms at the beach and we are all smiling warmly. But I only remember the picture.
128. Ashley sleeping all night with a hockey mask on. She was so funny.
129. Learning to swim in Georgie's pool.
130. Going to swim at North Park with my Mom, Aunt Carol, and cousin Jen.
131. I would check every locker by moving the orange key (the Pitt bookstore has the same lockers). Occasionally I found one that was broken and I'd keep the key.
132. I remember the feeling of anxiety and embarrassment from the time I took my shirt off to when I got in the pool. I felt everyone's eyes on me in disgust, hotter than the sun.
133. Hating my body ever since I knew about it.
134. Learning to masturbate. Georgie told me to keep stroking it so I went home and tried it out. Thanks Georgie!
135. I once wrote "sex" on a scrap of paper and put it in a clay pot in the livingroom. My Mom later found it and I was embarrassed.
136. Georgie's basement. It was dark, always dark, and to get in the basement you had to walk on this long, skinny piece of wood over an abysmal pool of water in a metal cylinder in the ground. No joke. It was terrifying.
137. Playing Mortal Combat and Aladdin in Georgie's sister's room. Oh, and Sonic the Hedgehog.
138. I cried all weekend after Melissa, one of the prettiest girls in my class, asked for my ball in gym and I told her no.
139. Next gym class I offered her my ball but she declined. Fuck you Melissa - I'm sorry.
140. The horror of having boners in a Catholic School where shirts must be tucked in at all times.
141. Eli Wiggins, who once broke his pelvis. His dad told him to put some vaseline on it - he knew he masturbated.
142. Eli's dad should have been a detective with ideas like that.
143. The end of 8th grade and the party at Matt Meshenko's.
144. I walked around his house like 100 times to set the record. Even though there was no record standing.
145. All the guys slept at Matt's and the girl's, I think, slept at Ali's.
146. Jamie Morello walked around in his boxers which made me nervous - I didn't want that popping out.
147. We talked about the girls and what we wanted to do to them, them to do to us, etc.
148. Jamie said he's eat Maureen out after every other guy said he wouldn't. She was kind of a tom boy and to eat out a girl you had to know she took care of herself and kept things clean. Jamie said he didn't care which meant that he really liked her.
149. I wanted to tell everyone that I liked Ali but couldn't. I didn't want to eat her out, or any girl for that matter. Maybe Heidi.
150. There was always so much I wanted to tell people.
151. But instead I kept things funny.
152. The day I discovered sarcasm, which Shawn pronounced 'sourcasm'.
153. For about half a day one summer I vowed to never be funny again. "No more jokes," I said. I remember being at Koenig Park by Shawn's when I made someone laugh - probably Shawn.

Belmont Ridge Apartments, Monroeville

We lived here while I was in 4th, 5th, and 6th grade. My Dad worked for the apartments and my Mom was a struggling Real Estate Agent. There was a pool and a clubhouse with three racquetball courts and a big screen tv and weight lifting room and sauna and hot tub, etc.

154. My Dad breaking a glass because I didn't put it in the sink.
155. My Dad playing catch with me in the backyard and how awkward it was when he tried to show off only to get smacked in the face by my glove by accident. He walked home upset at me and very quiet. wtf?
156. These Jamaican brothers with whom I played soccer.
157. They said things like: "Pass it to your party."
158. Going over to their apartments once and watching an old Jean Claude Van Damme movie.
159. A black girl, whose name was I think LaQuinta, trading me basketball cards.
160. Ripping off LaQuinta. "I'll trade you my Mookie Blaylock for your Michael Jordan rookie card." "Deal".
161. My friend LeRon, also black, who slapped me in the face on the bus.
162. Having a painful crush on a girl from the Philippines.
163. I tried to tell one friend but stopped when he called her ugly.
164. Holding my sister. I never wanted to let her go.
165. I put her to sleep by whispering little things in her ear.
166. She had an inch of hair that stood straight up.
167. I once laid on the ground to wait for a friend and watched the clouds move for hours.
168. I wanted that to be my job I liked it so much. I really did.
169. Hearing this same friend's Dad, he was another black kid, and a lady friend outside of Phar-Mor talk about buying condoms very flirtatiously. I wish I hadn't told my friend what a condom was right after that.
170. While walking to get snacks for my Grandma and Mom I fell in the clubhouse's outside pool. Some people laughed at me. I would have too. Fuck them.

116 Ridgeview (the same number as our first house) Monroeville. This is the last house I lived in with my parents. My Dad finally had a good job and that's all we needed. And some luck.

171. Moving into our house in Monroeville. I was pretty cynical about our hopes of moving in and was thrilled to be proven wrong.
172. The 1st thing Ashley and I did was go into the woods and swing on this branch. That made it official.
173. Getting my first drum set. Sparkling green Ludwig.
174. Everyday I'd play it.
175. The loneliness of having a drum set and a little sister as your everyday friends.
176. The loneliness of 10th grade. Thank god never again.
177. Finding out that Shawn smoked marijuana and how betrayed and scared I felt. I felt like things were slipping away and I couldn't control it.
178. Losing touch with a friend over drugs.
179. Playing music with Vin, Shawn, and Matt in my basement on the weekends and in our music room (not sure what we called it but now its my Dad's vestige of an office).
180. Vin and his long hair and mix tapes (Every tape included, amongst the hair metal, Vin singing "Vin's...Tape O' Fun!").
181. Eating salad over Vin's with his Dad's homemade salad dressing. I loved eating dinner with Vin's family.
182. Vin's older sister Christy on whom I had a crush.
183. One day while riding in the car with Vin and his Mom, his Mom tells me Christy likes me. Vin says, "Mom!" Mrs. Lucas laughingly says: "She does!"
184. I wouldn't believe it and still don't. I have always had a hard time believing someone has a crush on me.
185. At Kennywood once Christy told me to touch her shirt while standing in line for the Log Jammer again. She said it was wet.
186. It took me a second or two but I finally touched her shirt. It was wet.
187. Before I had a drum set I used pillows and drum sticks on Vin's bed. Occasionally we'd turn over 5 gallon buckets and use tambourines.
188. Vin and his cousin had a band called "Blemic"
189. Vin once did all the instruments himself just by using two tape recorders.
190. Late night TV with the lights off and volume turned low, watching with vigilance.
191. My 1st kiss on Sarah Allen's floor. She was chewing Winterfresh. She had skinny lips and a raspy voice.
192. The 1st time I had sex on her back porch. The frightened, hopeful look in her eyes as she held my softness in her hand. I was terrified.
193. Her sister was calling her name from the kitchen, we pulled on our clothes and sat down just as the glass door slid open.
194. Telling Shawn and the look of envy in his eyes.
195. Telling Vin and the look of sad, disappointment in his eyes.

And so, the end of one phase of my life.

196. I never want to forget watching movies with my Mom.
197. I never want to forget the day I watched the clouds.
198. I never want to forget the smell of books and CC Mellor or the feeling of being surrounded by mystery.
199. I never want to forget my fascination of The Giving Tree.

200. I never want to forget.

Went to Tolerico's with Dustin last night. His ex-fiancee is being such a bitch to him. I want to write her an email just to get her side, but I really don't think it's going to make me understand the situation any better. But she's the least of his problems right now. I feel really bad and so would you if you knew. But I won't tell you over blogger. Maybe over a glass of water.

My long work day wasn't so bad. 13 hours went by quick. Today I 13-5 hours. And I start at 1, so figure it out dude. I mean doOd!

Here's my plan for tonight: Go over to Jo-nathan's (it's his birthday so let him know!) and watch the footage. Also talk to Dan about some stuff. Wish-me-luck!

Today is national tell the crush of your life how much you love them day. Did you know this? No, I'm sorry. That was yesterday and I f-ing missed it. It's called wednesday.

I enjoyed my 4 days off, but now its back to work. I work 8 - 9 today. Which is of course very long indeed, but I dont mind. It makes all of my other shifts shorter. Last night we ate some good food and played taboo. Then I dont know what else they did, some weird game. Em and I went for a walk and saw a few fireworks. When I came back I was so tired I went to bed. It was 11:00, I think. I'm glad I got to be with a group of people not interested in the fireworks. It was just my mood this time. Next year I may very well want to see them. I usually do, just not this year.

My dilemma: Dustin is here on friday at Elizabeth Forward High School. But we have to practice for our show next week. I told him awhile ago I'd be there, but we definitely need the practice. ? I will have to give him a call and see if there's any other way.

Now, I have told you everything.

I got up very early today to a stomach ache, which persisted throughout my day. We got a lot of filming done, probably about 8-10 pages. Which really is a lot. Close to half the script is done, I think. I was really tired, and so was Emily, so we ended up sleeping from 4 to 9:30. Tonight was really odd. Everyone seemed to be doing their own thing. We went to Hollywood video and just something about the world felt like a ghost town. We just finished TransAmerica, which I enjoyed. But I like more movies than I hate, so don't take my word for it.
I dont feel tired, but I dont feel much of anything. I kind of feel like I dont exist right now. What a strange night.